What is Love by Brian Himmelreich

The following article first appeared in the April 2006 issue of the Writer's Saddle, the Calgary Association of RWA (CaRWA) newsletter. Permission to publish with proper credit is granted to sister chapters.

As a man who writes inspirational love stories and is a small minority of the mainly female members of CaRWA and RWA, these are my very personal, male views on a hard-to-answer question - WHAT IS LOVE?

I, for one, have strong beliefs about what love is and is not and although you may not agree with me and I do not expect you to agree with me, I make no apologies for my beliefs. Although you do not know about my private life experiences, I know exactly what I am talking about.

I suppose this question has been asked since Adam first met Eve. I also suppose there are as many definitions, understandings and opinions about this question as there are people in the world.

Some people have a love of material things, such as money, power, prestige, big houses, fancy cars, etc. As was witnessed in the recent flooding and devastation, that love can be gone in the blink of an eye. Given the wrong set of circumstances, beyond our control, we could all be homeless in a few hours. The stock market crash in the late 1920's, which ushered in the 'Dirty Thirties', is another example - it caused financial devastation for many.

Some people have a love of themselves, which leaves no room in their heart to love or consider the feelings of anyone else.

It seems the world is increasingly equating lust to love, that the universe revolves around this physical response of a man and woman, who may or may not be greatly attracted to each other, who may or may not seek any kind of continued relationship after the fact, who may simply move on to new partners to satisfy their physical needs, never having found any emotional attachment.

I have always found the word 'sex' and it's many derivatives to be a crass degrading of what is an incredibly special and beautiful way for a man and a woman to express their deep love for each other. We are bombarded with rampant references to sex on the TV, on billboards, in movies, books and conversation - almost anywhere. We are also plagued with rape, molestation, incest and the life-long damage caused to the victims.

I believe that love in a relationship can exist, full-blown, without lust or any kind of physical intimacy. I also believe that lust, the basest form of physical intimacy, is more associated with unbridled desires than love and that emotional involvement is neither expected, nor welcomed. But apparently, that little fling can turn into eternal love between partners. I believe lust is a very poor basis for such deep commitment. When the lust is gone, what is the glue that will hold a relationship together?

Although I have watched such men all my life, I never have and never will believe in the macho, alpha male as a desirable member of society. I believe that never being that type of man makes me no less a man.

I believe that love is a deep, multi-faceted set of emotions that only we as humans can experience. Like a diamond, each facet that combines to make it perfect must also, in itself, be perfect. Each facet must be perfectly cut, highly polished and maintained in that state for the diamond to remain perfect and untarnished - that is what gives a diamond its intrinsic, eternal value.

I believe in inspirational stories of love. That is what I think and write about. That is what I will always use as a pattern for my books.

What kind of expectations should a woman have of a man who says he is in love with her? Saying you love and showing you love are two entirely different things. This is what a man must show a woman to prove his love:

• she holds his heart in her hand
• she can always, always, always trust him
• she can place her complete faith in him
• he will never hurt or humiliate her; make her afraid; or physically, psychologically or emotionally abuse her
• he will never be angry with her - anger, hate and revenge are always destructive and diametrically opposed to love
• he will always be her eternal best friend and fellow dreamer
• he will always be there for her at all times and in all places
• he will always respect and honor her
• he will love her with all his heart forever
• he would give his life to protect her
• he would rather die than sully her love for him in any way
• he will always be kind and gentle
• he will always be patient, understanding and never demanding
• he will be a best listener and never judgmental toward her
• he will do everything in his power to bring her joy

Please don't misunderstand. I am not saying that women are weak or of any less importance than a man. If they love that man and he has all of these qualities, that love will be returned in like manner. I have always believed that women are equal to, but different from, men and yet deserve all of these qualities in a man. This is what an eternal, loving relationship is built on.

Is it possible to have this kind of love at first sight? Yes! Is it possible for such deep love to be one-sided? Yes! Is it possible for such love, though one-sided, to remain in force forever? Yes! Is such deep love logical, rational or advisable? No! It is often illogical, irrational and inadvisable, the stuff of internal conflict in an inspirational story of love and also in real life.

Unlike our books, in real life there is not always a happy ending.

I am proud to be associated with such gifted, determined ladies who have a love of writing and an uninhibited imagination. Even though I am not always on the same page with you, I still admire your many talents and greatly appreciate your support and on-going encouragement. Thanks for bringing such diversity to CaRWA and RWA and for accepting my differences. Now that I have opened this can of worms, fell free to add your $0.02. I would never be upset with your opinions or beliefs, even though they may differ from mine.

Brian Himmelreich is a member of the Calgary Association of the RWA (CaRWA).

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