Pistol Packin' Prose: Words that Go Boom!by Kathy Wilson Peacock Ready to edit your manuscript? Repeat after me: Omit Needless Words. This immortal advice from Strunk and White's The Elements of Style is to your writing what the Force is to Luke Skywalker. Use it, be guided by it, and your final drafts will snap and crackle with excitement. Editors, agents, and readers will fall under your spell. Your characters will leap off the page, your plot will accelerate to dizzying speeds. You'll leave your readers breathless. Omit Needless Words: Let's break it down and see exactly what it means. The following random examples are culled from my own writing, as well as that of my ever-patient, supremely talented critique partners (a.k.a. The Dead Horse and Jasper Club). Example A: Before: Without warning, her mind entertained the notion of his paintbrush trailing down her naked back, and how ticklish it would feel. You get the idea, so what's the problem? No punch! Remember, if you can shave words while retaining a sentence's meaning, do it. After: Suddenly, she visualized his paintbrush trailing down her naked back. Mmmm. Ticklish. See? Nine whole words eliminated. Plus, the punch comes from breaking the sentence in half to produce a distinct motivation/reaction structure. Example B: Before: The sound of a door slamming in the distance startled Pam into jumping behind a large oak in Raymond's front yard. From its shadow, she watched the house for signs of movement. When each window remained dark, and she was sure no one was awake, she assessed the situation. After: In the distance, a door slammed. Pam jumped behind a large tree in Raymond's front yard. From the shadows, she assessed the situation. The house was dark; surely no one was awake. Net loss = seventeen words; net gain = increased suspense and motivation/reaction structure. Impact = priceless. Take out the word "oak." The point is the tree is large; not that it's an oak. Goodbye, extraneous adjective! Also, note that in the revised sentences, the verbs have been sharpened, from "slamming" to "slammed"; from "jumping" into "jumped." Finally, I removed the clause "she assessed the situation." In the original, it comes at the end, after she's done the assessing. Keep things linear: First she does this, then she does that. Cause/effect; motivation/reaction. Example C: Before: Jasper was having second thoughts about the wisdom of taking the Queen and Prince to Denbigh castle without a huge armed escort. After: Jasper didn't think it wise to take the Queen and Prince to Denbigh Castle without a huge armed escort. Cut to the chase. "Jasper was having second thoughts" sounds like the hero was indecisive. "Jasper didn't think it wise" makes him sound more commanding. Example D: Before: Amanda skimmed through the books quickly and noticed that the ones he would probably get the most use out of were way on the top shelf. After: Amanda skimmed the books and realized those most useful to him were on the top shelf. "Skimmed" implies "quickly," so get rid of it. If you think these changes merely reflect differences of style or voice, keep in mind that good writing is concise writing; economical language will help you realize your voice. And don't think it's the copyeditor's job to tweak your sentences until they detonate. He or she will only fix what's wrong, not improve upon it. Having a story to tell is only half the battle; telling it with maximum impact is the other half. Be concise. Be decisive. Cut the dreck. Slash and burn and take no prisoners and murder your words. They'll thank you for it in the end. (Kathy Wilson Peacock is a freelance editor and writer whose favorite part of a computer is the delete key.)
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